At 26, I experienced one of the hardest ego blows of my life. My boyfriend broke up with me, and his words still echo in my mind:
"Nadja, when I was at their wedding, and I saw how they looked at each other when they said yes, I felt their love. When I look into your eyes, I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry."
Ouch. My heart was shattered, and my ego was bruised beyond repair. I couldn’t imagine happiness without him. In my mind, he was my source of happiness—or so I thought.
I won’t embarrass myself by sharing the details of my desperate attempts to change his mind. But I’ll always be grateful to a Canadian colleague who offered some blunt advice:
"You’re Dutch. He’s Dutch. Take back the camcorder you gave him for his birthday!"
So, I did. My dad ended up with an amazing new “gift,” and life moved on.
But that breakup taught me something important about happiness—or, more accurately, how I was sabotaging mine. I tied my sense of joy to external things: relationships, job titles, achievements, and the validation of others.
- “If only I got a promotion, I’d be happier.”
- “If only they appreciated me more, I’d be happier.”
- “If only I was in the spotlight, I’d be happier.”
The pattern was always the same: chasing happiness in the next milestone, only to feel empty when I got there.
It wasn’t until I experienced my dark night of the soul that I realized happiness isn’t something you chase. It’s something you cultivate.
This week, I want to share what I’ve learned about happiness—not the fleeting kind, but the enduring peace and joy that comes from within. More importantly, I want to explore how you can feel 1% happier every day.
Let’s dive in.
Happiness: A State of Being, Not a State of Doing
Happiness is defined in countless ways, but here’s what I’ve learned:
- Happiness is not pleasure. Pleasure is fleeting—it’s the delight of a perfectly cooked meal or the thrill of new shoes. It’s wonderful, but it doesn’t last.
- Happiness is not attachment. For years, I believed my happiness depended on how well I could predict and control outcomes. But attachment to control often leads to disappointment.
True happiness is a state of being. It’s choosing to feel grounded, calm, and whole, no matter what’s happening around you.
How Our Minds Sabotage Happiness
Our brains don’t like uncertainty. When faced with the unknown, they fill in the gaps with stories—stories of worst-case scenarios, unfulfilled dreams, or imagined rejection.
That’s why we attach happiness to external milestones:
- “If I get this job, I’ll feel secure.”
- “If I meet someone, I’ll feel complete.”
But here’s the truth: nothing external can ever bring lasting happiness.
That doesn’t mean external goals don’t matter. But happiness doesn’t come from them—it comes through you. When your inner world is peaceful, joy becomes a natural state of being, no matter what challenges you face.
Today, I’ll share four key lessons and tools that helped me cultivate happiness—tools that I now use with my clients to help them find peace, joy, and resilience.
