It was my third year working in Southern France, and I was thriving. When I started at the NATO Helicopter Management Agency, it took time to establish myself, build credibility, and find my place in Aix-en-Provence. Making friends outside the Agency was challenging, even though I'd mastered the southern accent. I remember enjoying life immensely before someone entered it and changed everything.
To the outside world and at work, I was a young, ambitious woman dancing Hip-Hop in my free time and shining in the office. I loved working for top leadership, as it exposed me to amazing opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise. I was fortunate to work for an Italian general who was like a father figure outside work and a leader in the office. He never treated me as just a secretary, but as a human being with great potential he was determined to unlock. Such bosses are rare—if you have one, appreciate them!
But no one knew.
No one knew that the moment I came home, unlocked my door, and closed it behind me, I entered a totally different world—a world where I was belittled, abused, and taken advantage of. Every day, I felt scared coming home, not knowing what to expect.
I remember focusing solely on surviving each day, unable to think about my self-worth or leaving. I was entangled in a narcissistic and toxic dynamic that took two and a half years to escape, ultimately moving to another country to find some semblance of peace.
I don't use the word "narcissism" lightly. I believe we live in a world where people are quick to label someone as narcissistic when they feel triggered or when someone acts out of character.
We have influencers on social media, with no clinical psychological background, sharing how to recognize a narcissist and what to do—often just because they were rejected or their needs weren't met as they wanted.
But having lived with one for over two years—having endured the mental, emotional, and physical abuse—I know what abusive and toxic relationships look and feel like when trapped in a dynamic with a narcissist.
And that's what this week's EQ Oasis Theme is all about:
helping you prevent or recover from such relationship dynamics by remembering your worth and transforming fear into courage.
This empowers you to make decisions that honor you as a human being who deserves healthy relationships.
Transforming Emotional Pain into Personal Power
Breaking the Chains of Emotional Co-Dependency in Toxic Relationships
In this week's reflections, we delve into the theme of codependency – a pattern where we find ourselves responsible for how others feel, leading us into emotional prisons and dysfunctional relationships. Oftentimes, we may find ourselves the villain in someone else's narrative because they are the clown in ours. But when we have a distorted lens in life, one filled with self-doubt and low levels of self-worth, or even tainted by the emotional luggage from the past - we don't see that they are a clown.
Instead, we stay stuck in a vicious cycle between living in fiction, instead of embracing reality. Recognizing this dynamic is the first step to freeing ourselves from the need to justify or defend our experiences.
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My Personal Journey
More than a decade ago, while thriving in my career within a NATO agency in Southern France, I was simultaneously trapped in a narcissistic, abusive relationship at home. This dichotomy of public success and private turmoil is a common narrative for many stuck in harmful relationships. When I finally broke free, it was a monumental step forward. It wasn't without fear and shame, but the journey to reclaim my self-esteem and heal was worth every challenge.
Healing begins with acknowledging and enhancing self-worth. For years, toxic dynamics plagued my relationships, but through self-reflection and purpose-driven efforts, I began to see the light. My marriage, education, career, and motherhood provided me anchors that kept me grounded as I worked on building my inner strength.
I realized the importance of emotional intelligence in breaking the cycle of codependency. Observing, rather than absorbing, the emotions of others allowed me to remain empathetic without being overwhelmed. This journey taught me that while we can offer support, we cannot save or change people unwilling to change themselves.
This narrative isn't just my story; it's a reminder for everyone to not let past traumas define them. Emotional freedom is attainable when you take small steps toward courage and healing. Whether it's through storytelling, visualization, or community support, remembering your worth and prioritizing healthy relationships are essential.
I encourage you to explore resources like the EQ Oasis community's challenges and gatherings or tune into my podcast, "Selfies of the Mind," for strategies in emotional intelligence and resiliency.
Our life's journey involves walking with love and offering support where we can, but also knowing when to step back so we can heal ourselves. Remember, your past does not define your future. You deserve to live a life free from emotional suffering, surrounded by relationships that empower and uplift you.
Your EQ Survival Toolkit
How can you build a preventive shield, recovery toolkit, or healing space from narcissistic abusive relationships? This toolkit is based on my personal experience and the methods I used to heal, survive, and thrive after enduring narcissistic dynamics. I hope it will inspire you if you resonate with this journey.
