I was 26 years old and had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend. Well, to be specific, he had broken up with me. I still remember his words as if they were said yesterday:
"Nadja, when I was at their wedding, and I saw how they looked at each other when they said yes, I felt their love. When I look into your eyes, I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry."
Ouch. That was definitely a tough day for my ego! I was heartbroken and in denial because, in my mind, I could only be happy if I was with him. He made me happy—or so I thought.
I’ll spare you the embarrassing moments that followed as I tried to change his mind, but I will always be grateful to my Canadian colleague at the time. The breakup happened a week or two after his birthday, for which I had gifted him an amazing camcorder. My Canadian friend reminded me that I’m Dutch, he was Dutch too, and it was only fair to ask for my camcorder back.
So, I did! And my dad ended up being extremely happy with his “present” out of the blue.
That same mindset—tying my happiness to external things—held me back in other areas of my life, perhaps in all of them. When I look back at my career, I can see how much I correlated my identity with my job titles and roles. I let how I felt depend on what I achieved.
- If only I got a promotion, I’d be happier.
- If only they appreciated me more, I’d be happier.
- If only I was in the spotlight, I’d be happier.
As a high achiever, I was constantly chasing the next big thing, setting the next goal, and never pausing to celebrate how far I had already come.
It was only when I went through my dark night of the soul that I learned the true meaning of happiness and what it meant for me.
And that’s what this week’s theme is all about: What is happiness, and how can you feel 1% happier every day? Because slow and steady wins the race—even though life isn’t a race, but a journey that ebbs and flows.
Happiness is a State of Being, Not a State of Doing
Happiness is defined in countless ways, but my aim isn’t to explore them all. If you’d like to dive deeper into what happiness truly means, I highly recommend this excellent positive psychology article.
For me, happiness used to mean pleasure and attachment. I was definitely confused back then because I equated pleasure with happiness. Pleasure is when our senses are stimulated, like during an exquisite meal. I feel immense pleasure when eating a delicious plate of food and equal dissatisfaction when the food is bland or poorly prepared.
I also felt "happy" when I could predict what was going to happen and control how it unfolded, exactly as I had envisioned. Take the example of job interviews or meeting someone new. During an interview, we often become anxious about the outcome, as if our entire self-worth hinges on it. Our minds race with imagined worst-case scenarios or idealized outcomes.
When meeting someone new, we often form attachments before truly knowing them. We feel pleasure in their presence, as if they awaken something within us, and we mistake this sensation for happiness. In reality, we’re outsourcing our happiness to someone we barely know, tying it to how they make us feel in the moment.
Our brains dislike uncertainty, and will go to great lengths to fill the gaps with assumptions, fantasies, or biases. That was me for a long time. I didn’t cope well with uncertainty because it made me feel unsafe—both in my body and in life.
Living in a hypervigilant state, I constantly tried to predict outcomes, hoping it would create a sense of safety. This coping mechanism is common for people who’ve experienced significant trauma.
The other day, I listened to a podcast where someone rolled their eyes at the cliché advice that "money doesn’t make you happy" or "a Ferrari won’t bring you happiness." He said, “Go ahead, seek it all! But never forget that the foundation of happiness isn’t external—it’s internal.”
This resonates deeply with me. Spirituality, especially for those who’ve faced a dark night of the soul and lost it all, teaches us that happiness is an internal state of being.
Money, for example, amplifies who we already are:
- If we lack integrity and live for selfish gain while harming others, money will amplify that.
- If we live with integrity, strive to do good in the world, and make others’ lives better, money will amplify that too.
Similarly, relationships aren’t about finding "the one" or expecting someone else to complete you. They aren’t your “other half,” because that would imply you aren’t whole on your own. Relationships can enhance or diminish your happiness, but true happiness—being a state of being—remains 100% within your control.
You might think, “That’s easy for you to say, Nadja,” especially if you’re going through mental or physical suffering. But happiness isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s not hakuna matata.
Happiness is choosing to switch on the light in your darkest days.
Today, we’re diving deeper into how emotional intelligence and resilience tools can help you do just that—based on my experiences and the transformations I’ve seen in my clients.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in!
